Observations Regarding Squash Racquet Advertisement

15Jan2010

* Sport

Today my strings snapped.

I can't get my racquet restrung because the man in Greaves said that my frame is cracked, although I think that the man in Greaves is wrong, but obviously despite being a man, I don't work in Greaves so I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

After extensive research of squash racquets online I have uncovered the three secret methods that all racquet companies use to try to sell you their racquets year after year.

1. Nomenclature

Give your racquet an exciting name that will inspire primal aggression; e.g. "Dunlop Ass Violator", "Prince Genocide Killer Pro", "Karakal Terrorism Torture GT", "Browning Murder Death Kill", "Wilson Speed Raper", and "Wilson Speed Raper X5".

2. Science

Claim to have synthesised a completely new kind of material that has ridiculous sounding futuristic properties; e.g. "With new Hyper NanoStrontiumX-3 Technology, our frames are, for the first time ever, able to counter the effects of gravity itself, giving you up to 10 times greater momentum." Following this, go on to explain how it will make all my shots 12% more accurate because let's be honest, I'm at such a high level of squash that the only thing holding me back is my equipment.

3. Statistics

Measure the attributes of your racquet using brightly coloured bars that are all very nearly at 100%.

As you can see, the orange racquet has one more power than the yellow racquet but has one less control and one less touch/feel... That whole one control could destroy my entire game, but on the other hand I could hit the ball one unit harder... WWJD?????

So with this new knowledge I am going to make an informed, intelligent decision about getting a new racquet. After almost four years of service it saddens me to say...

Good bye, Hot Melt Pro. I sucked. But you? You were excellent.