A Sticky Situation

This is actually fantasic! It's like one of those murder mystery riddles!

If I am to guess what it is that you did, (which is what I'd far rather do than have to think my way out of that mess) then I'll need to know what you were wearing, specifically, any excess garments such as vests or shirts. And also: what was on the other side of the open window?

The T-shirt and potentially the socks ended up outside. I can tell.

Yeah sure. It would never happen. That's what I thought. But the truth is, when you have to go, when you really have to go. You have to go. And nothing, nothing will stop you from going. Not even the lack of toilet paper.

Although in this case I did not check beforehand. There was only one thing on my mind.

I'm going to be honest and say this situation has happened to me before and concur with Phil that sometimes you just HAVE to go. I went for use of the boxers I was wearing, as my first option of the toilet tube dispenser proved impossible.

In other 'taking a dump' news, I had a different problem to Phil when in Paris. Staying with a friend in this old lady's house, I discovered that her toilet did not lock. Worse, I couldnt do the 'star wars push' on the door because the toilet and the door were too far away from each other (and projectile dumps are physically impossible as far as I know).

Of course in most situations there would be no chance of anyone picking the 5 minutes I chose for my dump to open that door. Or fail to respond to loud shouts of 'NON!' when they began to turn the handle on the door. No chance whatsoever.

Unless you were in Paris of course....

Seeing as you were so desperate to take this dump, I'm going to take a guess and say you may have had one of those dumps that come out so fast and with so much brute force that it does not leave a trail which needs to be wiped.

@ Nigel

I'm afraid it was a sloppy, loose, slurpy effort. The ones that you're constantly farting for about two hours beforehand. Although I do know the one's you're talking about - it's always so surprising when you go to wipe and nothing appears on the toilet paper.

@ JB

I'm afraid unlike George Costanza, I do not keep receipts in my wallet. (What's the point?) And as for revealing what I did... it might be best if I didn't. It may just be a bit too shocking, even for mm.

To provide us with such a mystery and then not provide us with an answer is just evil, you can't do that!!

You CAN'T!

"Just one more thing." General opinion is that the boxers would have been used then discarded out the window. However, I would argue that removing shoes, belt, jeans, boxers in question, then replacing them all the others again would be next to impossible to accomplish while ensuring the door remained firmly shut. A T-shirt would be easier to remove, one arm at a time. Whatever happened, something went out the window, didn't it?

But that must mean...

your HANDS?!

There are two awesome things about this post

1) "The Star Wars Push" now becomes a phrase we can all use and love. There have been many times I have needed to have such a phrase at hand. Urban dictionary anyone?

2) It has been graced with a comment of mine.

I don't see what the big deal is here. I don't ever wipe.

Reverse peristalsis?

Phil- you have to tell us what you did, please!!!! Personally I would not make such a rookie error- ALWAYS check the toilet roll situation. But if i did i would probably go for the underwear up, run home option myself lol. And also- I don't think i have ever heard you say 'dump' before lol.

I cant believe this topic is still going, oh but Phil also remember you promised you'd reveal all @ the grad ball!  Though looking over the suggestions i kinda think the pull trousers up and find another to wipe is the best option, though if you say its so disgusting for the mango it makes me think you did something totally rediculous.

Readers of a nervous disposition stop reading here.

1.  Did you pick up the dump, and put it back inside the back passage?!!!  Then wash your hands?

2.  Did you walk out with trousers down and use the handryer to blow dry your backside then go home and shower it clean?

3.  Was there a dead bird at the window you used the feathers from to wipe?!

Am sure you'll agree, all equally likely.

Phil,

You need to do the right thing and tell me what you did. I want to know so that whenever I find myself in the same situation, I can draw from your experience on how to handle it.

Don't do that now...

If I told you the reveal then you would just forget about this whole episode and it would disappear into obscurity. The fact that I haven't told anyone has meant that this story is slowly becoming a thing of legend.

I don't believe you. I think you're going to keep subscribing because you think there's a chance you might find out eventually. And you might. As you say, it's just like Lost. Lost always wins.

I'll give you a clue. Would you like a clue? Here it is...

Five minutes after I discovered my predicament... I found a hidden underground bunker.